Avatar and the Death of Fun

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I hate 3-D. There;  I said it. I think 3-D is a tiresome gimmick that wore out its welcome in the 1950s, re-reared its ugly head in the 1980s, and then vanished yet again before resurfacing in its "new and improved" polarized form in the noughties. I've seen a few of the films that have boasted this new, cutting-edge style of 3-D, and to them I say Boo!  There's nothing new or cutting edge about giving me a migraine, especially when said effects come at the expense of anything remotely resembling a good story or tasteful direction. Then again, how much thought can one put into a story when so much thought is put into things like eyeballs shooting out of the screen, people walking around with sharp gardening implements and poking them into the camera, and myriad CGI beasties spitting, kicking, throwing, and spewing various things into the audience's general direction. It's gimmick filmmaking at its worst and, thanks to the "success" of Avatar (more on that in a bit), Hollywood hasn't just drunken the Kool Aid; they've stripped down to their rhinestone thongs and thoroughly immersed themselves in it, with Avatar director, James Cameron - the Jim Jones of 3-D - looking down upon them from a mountain of cash.


I haven't seen Avatar yet, and, to be honest, I don't really want to. Sure, I relish the idea of Smurf extinction as much as the next guy, but I'm guessing Cameron's Smurfs probably win at the end, and I've no patience for such nonsense. We all know Smurfs have shit for weaponry, and once a man's able to get past the feminine charms of Smurfette, it's all over for the blue bastards.


It doesn't matter, anyway, as I'm told that for me to "truly appreciate Avatar", I need to see it in Imax 3-D. Seeing as how I don't have an Imax theater anywhere within 30 miles of me, and that tickets cost somewhere north of $20 bucks a pop, we're looking at a combined expense of close to $80 bucks (gas, parking, two tickets, one bucket of popcorn slathered in industrial grade "butter", and an underly carbonated soda) to see a three hour movie about blue guys getting shot up by Colonial Marines. I can see real people shot up by my local police department for free. And the popcorn's better!


Avatar recently surpassed Cameron's own Titanic as the highest grossing movie of all time, making something like...oh...90 billion dollars in Saskatchewan alone. That's great until you consider the fact that 90 billion dollars actually only accounts for a dozen or so Imax 3-D tickets. By using science and math, and accounting for inflation, the sun's proximity to Mars, and what the half-naked guy who lives in the alley behind my house says, I've deduced that, in reality, Avatar has only grossed about $11.50. Hardly enough for a box of Juju Beans and a small Coke, and far from the box-office juggernaut the Hollywood hype machine would have you believe it is. Sadly, Avatar's "success" has set in motion a chain of events that will assure that every movie made from this day forward will be shot in nauseating 3-D, shown in overpriced, far away theaters specifically manufactured for said purpose. 


That's right; that means we can look forward to 3-D versions of everything in the future, from the new Harry Potter film to Kathy Bates' latest nude scene. That means going to the movies will cost us more than twice as much as  already overinflated ticket prices dictate. They've already announced 3-D television sets and Blu-ray players (currently priced at economy car levels), which will allow shut-ins like myself the "opportunity" to pay a premium to be inconvenienced in the comfort of our own homes, forced to wear uncomfortable glasses, endure blurry, washed-out images, and, ultimately, mourn the death of 2-D cinema. 


I am sorta looking forward to the porn, though.

You sir, are no man

This is 'content'?

--Jason S

Bah! Burn Sizemore, Burn!

See if I let you touch my firm-yet-supple breasts again, you perverse ginger bastard!

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